Or, I Can’t Even SPELL Schizophrenia by S.R. Torris
London 2012, the Olympics proved to be an exciting chain of events. If there was any doubt in the ability of women playing a television watchable, passionate, nail-biting game of, well, any sport at all it was obliterated over these past couple of weeks.
The women of the United States of America represented this country well, even if NBC Universal didn’t do as great a job.
The following submission is my disjointed, I do-not-have-Cable-FiOS-Dish USA pride point of view of a memorable and historic bunch of games that will be spoken of for years to come. The following language may seem schizophrenic to some readers. Discretion is advised for the sake of your own sanity. Enjoy.
I like the opening ceremony. Hamlet is leading the British Industrial Revolution. • These commentators are ridiculous. Except that damn Bob Costas, you gotta love Bob Costas. • NBC Universal sucks. That is all. • Mary Poppins? They need to stop. • Jude Law got me wanting to run my fat ass like that fat kid. I betcha his knees hurt. • Stop talking that mess about Michael Phelps and he won’t have to come back and stomp your ass. I’m just saying, stop talking that mess. • SCHMIDTTY! SCHMIDTTY! • I want a VISA card and I want Morgan Freeman to give it to me. • USA! USA! USA! • So here’s my number, call me maybe… You didn’t hear me do that. • America’s Fab Five BITCHES! • It’s a SONI! • I’m not gonna cry, I’m not gonna cry. • It’s Missy Franklin, deal with it! • That’s not the right the proportion, that gecko would have to be at least six feet tall to fit in George Washington’s eye. • Gabby GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLD! • Why isn’t there any Eskimos killing it in these kayak competitions? • That little Aly, she ain’t no joke! • The Chinese whipping us again, ugh! • I don’t know why this girl even stepped on the court cause Serena looks like she’s gonna kill her. Dead. • Usain Bolt, that damn fast Jamaican – and who is that fast Jamaican? And who is THAT other fast Jamaican?? • Misty May-Treanor and Kerri Walsh-Jennings, can you say, “Legend” wait-for-it “DARY!”? • That a kid from Grenada, Kirani James – nothing but class. • Wish I could’ve seen Venus and Serena win. I mean, I knew they would but I wish I could’ve seen it. Did I mention NBC Universal sucks? • Yes, I’ll say it. Never thought I would. GO SOUTH AFRICA! Oscar Pristorius is my new favorite. • Daniel Craig, that is one smooth mothaf- shet my mouf! • Enunciate, Mr. Brokaw. Please. • Revenge of the Felix/Jeter track monster! Those Jamaican girls didn’t stand a chance. • She CLIPPED her! That Ethiopian girl clipped her and she fell in the same exact place like last time. OK, don’t laugh. Don’t laugh. I think I’m going to cry. Don’t cry. • OOOOH! Face plant! BMX is brutal. • A stick, a silk ribbon, juggling pins, a ball, and a Hoola-Hoop is the Cirque du Soliel, not a SPORT! Why am I watching this? • That’s too many times to be running around a track. • TEAM GB! • The London Olympic logo looks like it’s on meth or is it just me? • Why can’t I see the soccer game? This is a travesty! • I so hate NBC right now. • They did what to Castor Semenya? Hungary and Russia have been popping out man-bitches for years and they got the nerve to talk?! I see a few right now that could use a DNA test. • I want a Chevrolet, a Cadillac, and a BMW that I will pay for using CitiBank as I fill my car up with BP gas! • Destinee Hooker! That is all. • Wrestling judges hating on the USA. We’re supposed to be the ones who are bad at math. After 1 comes 2 THEN 3, ass clowns! That brick should be a real brick. • How cold is it in the pool? • USA! USA! USA! • Trunks my ass, those are swimming panties! • The REAL DREAM TEAM is the women’s USA Basketball team. I said it, and what? • You are NOT catching her – Sanya Richards-Ross is gone. GONE! • How the hell am I watching the USA vs. Brazil women’s volleyball match and the US is up 1 set to 0 and they go to commercial break, come back, and Brazil is up 2 sets to 1 with like a few points from the Gold Medal? Did I mention how much I loathe NBC Universal? • Will I watch JJ Abrams new series “Revolution”? Probably not since I wrote a story that looks eerily similar to it. And it’s on NBC, which sucks.• OK so am I the only one that realizes that when the USA wins a Gold Medal and they play the National Anthem, it’s basically a song about how we were kicking British ass during the War of 1812? • You’re going to put what on Facebook? Every executive of note is there?! That’s not the real Mark Zuckerberg – talk about the game, the game ONLY. You know who LeBron is, right? Kobe Bryant, do you recognize him? Did I mention these commentators are idiots? • I’m sending Kobe and them my hospital bills tomorrow, I must’ve had like six strokes and three heart attacks. • I’m living my life like it’s GOLDEN! • Oooo, the closing ceremony. Why is origami riding a bike? When did they clone Justin Bieber and make five more of him? I wonder how many athletes hooked up? Look at the USA, we have everybody in our delegation – EVERYBODY. Who let that old biker on stage – oooh, that’s George Michael. Throw them model chicks, like, 10 sandwiches now! Don’t fall Annie. When did Willie Wonka start doing crack? Fatboy Slim is neither fat nor is he a boy. Rolls Royce, the Olympic car of choice. Beckham Spice! You can’t have a British shindig without some Monty Python. Classic. Brasil! Bring your umbrellas. I bet this looks better in person.
Thank you, London, for a wonderful Olympic games. Brazil, see ya in four years!