It’s O-fficial, I am old. And you know what? I don’t give a rat’s ass. I’d rather be an old fool than a new millennium douchebag.
Today I actually said, “Those damn kids these days!” Sure did. Like I was somebody’s Grandma wearing a poodle-skirt and bobby socks or some trying-to-be-cool greaser guy with a black plastic comb in my back pocket, a pack of Marlboros wrapped up in the short sleeve of my stark white T-Shirt, black leather jacket, leaning against the hood of a 1956 red Cadillac.
Sure, we had jerks, punks, smartasses, and many assorted idiots when I was growing up (I did it again; it’s like the old timey sayings won’t stop!) but never have I encountered such blatant disregard for the classic, the wise, the learned, the foundation, those that came before us – our elders…
It’s like I looked up one day and saw from out yonder, the clouds part as Richard Wagner’s “The Valkyrie” blasted throughout the land and down from fiery heavens rode the Four Horsemen of the Douchepocalype!
Perhaps I should take a breath and explain.
See, it all started when my friend asked me if I’d seen the VMAs (MTV’s Video Music Awards, for those of you who could care less), to which I promptly replied, “No.”
I was told I hadn’t missed anything so I shouldn’t sweat it. Then I was asked if I knew whoTyler the Creator is? Again a prompt, “no”, ’cause honestly folks, I’d never heard of the guy. So I was informed that he beat out all the people who were “big deals”, those favorites who should’ve won the award for Best New Artist.
OK, cool, congrats to him.
Being the person I am, I couldn’t leave well enough alone so I tried to get a little info on the guy thinking, maybe I’d dig some of his music. What I found was unbelievable and to my dismay, can’t be shoved back in the box. Perhaps if I get that lobotomy…
Morons, the whole lot of ‘em! He and his little group of mindless lemmings, you know those guys that carry his nutsack around for him – you’ve seen the type, in my day (damnit another one!) they called them “yes men”. Well, they are a bunch of simple-minded cretins that do stupid antics and what? What is that supposed to be, rebellion? Angst? Newsflash kiddies, there’s nothing new under the sun. Your tight colorful pants, big sneakers, logoed T-Shirts, misplaced angst, and chest-thumping claims of originality have already been done with ten times more creativity; that’s why we have classics even if you don’t acknowledge them. That “Yonkers” beat is tuff though. Look, if I make mashed potatoes and Gordon Ramsey makes mashed potatoes, and ChefLydiamakes mashed potatoes, some dishes will suck and some will be awesome. One, probably mine, is gonna come out of a box. The bottom line, they will all be a plate of mashed potatoes. Period. The genius of being a jackass has been done – sorry.
In one of the many videos you get when you search YouTube for: “tyler the creator”, he explains to we the unenlightened public, how his lyrics and his creative process is so deep. M’kay I find that if you have to explain your depth then ya ain’t as deep as you think you are. Imagine Jim Morrison or Tupac or DeLaSoul pontificating how they are so creative because, they are so creative.
Really folks? This is what it’s come to? Hype hyping up hype for the sake of hype under the guise of being cool and hip?
And where, may I ask, is Louis Farrakhan? The Reverend Al Sharpton? The Reverend Jessie Jackon? Dr. Cornell West? Tavis Smiley? What are those guys doing while OMG LOL WTF, whatever the hell the name ofTyler’s little bag of merry men are called. What are African-American leaders doing while these young African-American boys go on homophobic tirades during their shows and scribble swastikas on their clothing? Do they even know the significance of a swastika? Are they Buddhists? Or are they using the defiled swastika á la Nazi style?
Eminem never uttered the word, “nigger” (or “nigga” for the justification freaks out there) on any of his songs, I should know because I’m a fan. Now imagine if Em toured the country with a bunch of white guys, maybe one Hispanic, and let’s throw in a dumb “nigga” for added spice, went on stage with big swastika patches on their shirts, and started screaming about how they hate gangbangers, fags and gays. Eminem, even with the Hispanic and the dumb Black guy down with his mostly white crew, would never be able to sell another record in theUnited States of Americaagain; the aforementioned African-American heavy weights would shut down the entire record company! But there are no words for this Black kid, Tyler the Creator, huh?
What pissed me off the most, and here you can picture me as the old man on the veranda in a rocking chair, shotgun laid across my lap chasing little peons off my lawn, was the response to a comparison of Tylerthe Creator’s crew to the WuTang Clan. The comparison was visibly irritating toTylerand he immediately tried to dissuade it by stating that the WuTang Clan is, “Old as fuck!”
What a compelling argument.
He didn’t argue his crew was in a different geographical location, he didn’t say WuTang Clan came from the streets and they did not, he didn’t say his crew’s lyricism and pentameter is outrageously different from the WuTang Clan’s, but he did say WuTang is, “Old as fuck.”
Legendary rocker, Mick Jagger, is still rocking. He can pull girls inTyler’s age group if he wanted to and Mick Jagger NEVER hesitates to give credit to an African-American blues man fromMississippinamed Muddy Waters as a major influence on the Rolling Stones. Countless guitar players can’t talk about their instrument without mentioning Stevie Ray Vaughn and/or Jimi Hendrix. And that’s what it boils down to folks, respect. Aretha told us about it.
A lot of these kids today have none but they want you to lavish them with it when they’ve done nothing to earn it. If Kanye West would’ve jumped on stage when Big Daddy Kane or KRS-One or Salt-N-Pepa was accepting an award, back-in-the-day, Kanye would have caught a speed knot! Queen Latifah, MC Lyte, and Roxanne Shanté didn’t have gum bumpers around them back then. If any of them received as public a “gift” as Chris Brown bestowed to Rihanna, Chris Brown would be in a hospital right now – or missing. Oops, indeed. But it seems that everyone wants to live onFront Street, flaunt money that’s not worth the price to print it and sip Asshole Juice while wearing the latest fragrance, Douche by Fabergé.
So let us do as Kanye asks and raise our glasses to toast the assholes. And now that I’m old I realize there are a lot more of them than I originally suspected. These words will probably fall on the deaf ears of swine, which serves me right for wasting time on the asinine ranting of a silly troubled kid and his dumb as f*ck friends anyway. But I’m old remember? Sitting outside with a shotgun across my lap.
Besides, a year and a half from now I’ll be right back where I started at the top of this conversation when someone asks, “Remember that kid, Tyler the Creator?”
I’ll say, “Who?” and keep on bumping my “Built For Cuban Linx” album.