99¢ Bag O’Chips

"I ate the WHOLE bag!"

I’m an American so, yes, by definition you may assume I’m fat. Fatter than most, not as humungous as some, but a fat ass none-the-less.

And I’m not ashamed to say it either, unlike a lot who are privileged enough to be able go overseas on vacation, then they suddenly develop shriveled ballsitis or yellow streak down backitosis! Oh, you thought I was talking about the fat thing? No, no. I was clearly speaking on the, I’m not ashamed to be an American thing. Yeah, some of you frauds start singing O!Canadareal quick just because some guy with a name you can’t pronounce looked at you sideways, talking about they don’t like Americans. Well I’m sure Iranians are very nice people but you won’t find me hopping aboard Ayatollah Airlines to go vacationing in sunnyTehran. But I digress…

Of course I’m ashamed of the fat thing. I used to be slim and trim as a youngster. Then corporate sitting, with little to no motion (except for the swivel of a soft and comfy chair) changed all of that. I mean, c’mon! With the exception of two daft bitches trying to break an equally ridiculous world record, who the hell wants to be fat?

Let the church say, “Hallelujah!”

Well, the other day I did something that contradicts all the previous bluster. The evil people at Utz, who are not paying me to endorse their fine product, know how to make a damn good chip. As far as I know all the good stuff hasn’t been removed, you know, taste, flavor, real potatoes. I ate, in one sitting, a whole entire 99¢ bag of Utz potato chips – and I’m not embarrassed. I’ll tell you why…

You see, folks, today’s 99¢ bag o’chips is actually the equivalent of a 1981, 50¢ bag o’chips.

When I opened that 2011 bag of fresh chips (seriously, Utz, denizens of evil snackfood hypnosis makes a great bag o’chips) there were all those large wonderful flavored chips calling me. “Have at it!” or “Go on, tuck in!” they would say because all chips speak with an encouraging British accent, as they stood in perfect confused formation. They looked scattered about the bottom of the bag but they knew what they were doing, enticing, fantastic, addictive chips!

And that’s the rub: the bottom of the bag. In 1981 the chips would at least reach the middle to not-quite-the-top of a 99¢ bag o’chips. What you get now for 99¢ should have a 50¢ sticker on it and a 2011 25¢ bag is a travesty. The air/space to chip ratio has gone off the charts leaving you more air/space and time to imagine chips where actual chips should be! Needless to say, I ate the whole bag without remorse, although I wouldn’t make a habit out of it – cholesterol and all that; let’s not forget the fat…

Come to think of it, maybe I will trek on over toTehranafter all. Maybe what’s really needed to stave off wars and petty disagreements is a red, white, and blue 99¢ bag o’chips.


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